The City Wakes Up A Bit Too Early
I have a block. The block is in both writing and photography, oh and in binging content on OTT platforms. While I have gotten my hands on an exquisite piece of a telephoto lens, I have hardly tinkered around with it on my camera. I now find it surprisingly difficult to watch movies on OTT platforms. Maybe I should go to a movie theatre and force myself to sit through an entire movie! Twenty-second Instagram reels are the only thing that seems to hold my attention. Working on areas I am passionate about suddenly seems too tiring. Is it simple laziness or something deeper, I cannot seem to figure out?
My transition to a new city was not as smooth as I expected it to be. It was never really supposed to be, I guess. My first few nights at my new place involved me constantly waking up in the middle of the night to check for locked and bolted doors. There are too many factors to consider before deciding on a place to settle. Everyone had stories of bad experiences and dangerous encounters. Narratives and truth seem to change as per convenience thereby making decisions harder.
My work had surprisingly become a welcome outlet to distract myself from my troublesome personal life. Quite possibly, the start-up atmosphere made me feel more liberated. I think what I dearly missed was an environment to take bold steps with a high-risk appetite. The personal sphere looked a lot more suffocating. Suddenly, you were closely being monitored. Every statement had to be well thought out. Seemingly simple conversations had to be inferred with their camouflaged messages. Empathy can be exhausting, especially when not reciprocated. Life looked like a constant struggle between being principled and being kind. For a twenty-five-year-old who has majorly lived in a nuclear family or independently, this nature of change in less than a month was quite something to handle.
While I am not someone who usually complains, my writing seems to suggest otherwise. And perhaps, in the hindsight, it is my biggest worry. What if I were to become a person who I couldn’t identify with……or be fond of? Do I still enjoy my own company like I used to? The answer has changed from an unconditional yes to a doubtful nod. However, I certainly wish to be with myself than with people around me. Interacting with known companies seems like a tiresome chore now.
I am not aware of a remedy to this. On the eve of Diwali, as I sip on my warm tea listening to the slow and soulful Rabindra Sangeet emanating from the public speakers at the corner of the road, I ponder over the question, “Is that how everything is supposed to be now? Is this what “adulting” looks like? Or will I be able to look at it differently?” Maybe all that is needed is a hot cup of frothy rich cocoa with a warm blanket around you and someone to tell that you have done a good job! Small wins and small starts slowly but surely bring a change in mindset. When the dust settles, the road ahead becomes clearer, maybe it is just a waiting game. Or perhaps, you just push through the clutter after that. After all, I did seem to be able to put something down despite my writer’s block, didn’t I?
